New York With Dmitiri

I've taken a little break from my output, except for standup, of course, because I'm sick, sick I tell you! There's been so much noise lately, so much reacting, a news cycle that's stuck on spin, and an almost incomprehensible deluge of news that may be the most important thing ever or nothing at all. 

In this time off, I'm seeking to take in what's going on and digest it instead of instant regurgitation. I went to NY a few week ago for the New York Television Festival, and was swept away momentarily by the city. The energy, the pace, and of course, the comedy. Doing standup back in NY was a breath of fresh air, in between the pee stink.


Saying," Happy Columbus Day!" feels weird. Even if you change it to Happy Indigenous People's Day, it still feels strange because no matter what words you use, it's just basically saying, "Happy Genocide!" I'm not sure if that's going to fly with public. Kind of a downer.

People just want an excuse to be happy, they don't want their parades rained on by the pesky annoyance of truth. What good would it do anyone to acknowledge that Christopher Columbus finagling the Spanish Crown to bankroll his batshit crazy idea of sailing off the edge of the Known World to hit up China and India through the back door, and then subsequently launching the Age of Exploration and European Colonization, and specifically, the rise of the Spanish Empire through the efforts of thousands of conquistador-led expeditions into the heart of the Americas is what led to where we are right this very moment. If you've ever been to Western Europe and seen the majesty of the architecture and art of the colonial era, it's clear that they jacked the shit out those poor fuckers across the pond. 

Do you think there were any nice conquistadors? Out of all the guys who sailed over here and survived the journey, and then had to pillage their way through the jungle, subjugate natives, and then torture them into telling you where the fabled City of Gold was, at least one of them had to have been a nice dude, right? Do you have to be a murderous psychopath to be a conquistador? Is it like working on Wall Street? Or can their be some spark of decency inside of you, while still delivering the rape and plunder needed to extract a colony of its natural resources so that lords and ladies back home can buy more of those cool beaver hats? 

We're Still # 1... mass murder! 


We did it, America! We've topped the charts for mass shootings and we’ll do it again.  Killing the world and killing ourselves, it’s the last thing we got going for us. If George Carlin were still around, he might have updated his bit about us and bombing brown people,

which we’re still really good at. In fact, now we have robots ding that shit for us. How high tech is that? You’d think it would be Japan that invented the sky robots of death.

Nope, while they were busy trying to make fuck robots, we’ve been mass producing drones like it’s Coca-Cola. Why? Because we sell that shit to other countries. Drones are the top shelf weapons, but you don’t have to spend an arm and a leg to buy something that can blow off an arm or a leg.  


Guns! Yes, it’s not as Apple as a shiny drone equipped with Hellfire missiles, but it does the job. Guns offer an infinite amount of customizability and technical details to geek out over. The Internet is filled with tons of gun enthusiasts using their superior skills as armchair detectives piecing together the gear used using Youtube videos, or using those same skills to prove that this is just another false flag psy-op perpetrated by the Deep State to come after your guns, even though sales alway skyrocket following a mass shooting- that’s America for you. 

America doesn’t seem to care about people dying. I mean they do and they don’t. We’re not monsters on an individual level. We feel pain and empathize with the terror felt by the victims of tragedies. We want to protect our own and ourselves and we rightfully fear the unknown amount of threats amidst the chaos of existence. As people, we are no different than any others, except that we’re way richer and waste way more food, create more waste than any other country, and have a ravenous appetite for factory farming, drugs, and war, but besides all that, we’re good people. We seem to elect legislators that vote against our interests and are beholden to the money that corrupts our political will, and do nothing to hold them accountable, but we’re good people. We just want to raise our children and look for our soul mates while documenting everything online and hoarding all that data in massive server farms the size of football stadiums, no different from any other people on Earth. We are them and they are us and hopefully they don’t catch on and want a fat slice for themselves.

Who's Hangrier Than North Korea?

President Trump told reporters that any threat to the US from North Korea would be met with "fire and fury." People all over the world, government and civilian alike, simultaneously facepalmed while clenching their assholes.

The thing is we ain’t gonna do shit and neither are they. Of course, anything is possible, but I've come to terms with the fact that we're not in the darkest timeline, so there's hope yet. Honestly, there’s nothing for us there. We tried 60 years ago, and it ended up being a wash, though it did set the stage for how I got here. Probably some others, too. Yes, there was a little old war, The Korean War, that people call the Forgotten War, because back then there was no PTSD, just STFU.

North Korea has recently made waves because of nuclear tests, a successful ICBM test of a missile that could hit New York, and Defense Intelligence has confirmed that they have missile-ready weapons-grade nuclear warheads.


Yeah, I'm sure they'll be ready to launch missiles at the US as soon as they finally move from AOL to Gmail. Come on, guys. They’re a little behind, to put it politely. They thought Dennis Rodman was still famous for fuck's sake! You know who else has way better nukes? Everybody else who has nukes.

Nobody in the region wants war, probably not even the Dear Leader, and definitely not all the other countries with nukes. There's no winner.

Trump and North Korea are probably just cranky because they haven’t eaten in ages. I don't blame them. I'm totally the same. Is there anyone hangrier than a North Korean? Well, maybe Donald Trump. Please don't put me in an internment camp! Dude, I grew up in the Valley, I can’t go to Manzanar…



Leaks On Fleek

Leaking is where it's at these days. It's only the most popular and coolest way to get out things that other people don't want you to know. As privacy becomes more and more obsolete, leaks will become more and more powerful. 

Imagine if in the future we are able to project holograms over our faces so that we could look however we want. Most people will aim to be good looking, but if everyone becomes good looking, nobody's good looking. The perceived value of something is relative to other things of greater or lesser value. Nobody will care about looks, unless you happen to reveal your true face. Your true ugly-ass face. Maybe someone will leak it, ruining your career, humiliating your family... I mean what if you're like really ugly?!?!?

Some intrepid soul might decide that revealing her face is the real way to stand out, and she'd turn off her hologram on national TV. How brave, many people would say. How brave. But is she really? She just did something that other people don't like to do. It's very similar to how some people respond when I say I do comedy. They say, "That's so brave."

But it really isn't. I'm a leaker of my ridiculous innermost thoughts. "Brave" should be reserved for people who care for others. 


Feeling real burned by Rachel Maddow. I got fished in. Hooked. She got me. Goddammit. She tweeted out that she had Trump’s tax returns and told everyone to tune in 9p EST. I’m on PST, so that meant it was on right after work. Fuck it, I’ll see what the scoop is. The scoop turned out to be a turd. A scoop of bullshit for my stupid waffle cone brain that fell for such an obvious ploy for my attention. I thought I was sufficiently cynical and dead inside to withstand the hucksterism of today’s “media,” but no, I’m just a dumb dumb who gets distracted by the shiny thing.

An entire half hour of Rachel Maddow’s bombshell show was her explaining to us why we want to see Trump’s tax return. WE ALREADY KNOW WHY, THAT’S WHY WE’RE HERE!!!

Then this guy says he’s the one who got two pages of a 1040 from 2005, sent to him by mail, possibly by Trump himself. He goes on to mention that Trump’s done stuff like this before, also there was gold dust all over the pages, so that was also a clue.

This whole thing smells like a set-up. I bet it was Trump that mailed it out, because it was sent through snail mail like an old person would, and because he’s got the media wrapped around his finger. He snaps their finger and they all come running. He tosses them scraps of irrelevant info and they clamber over it like drunk bridesmaids over the bouquet. This is all because the media went whole-hog on becoming for-profit ventures, meaning the bottom line is the most important thing above things like the truth and protecting the public. Instead, the New York Times, Washington Post, CNN, all the fake news outlets are getting huge bumps in their numbers.

It’s the Trump Bump. Whether you hate him or not, it’s undeniable. Look at Megyn Kelly.

Is journalist.

Is journalist.

She got into it with him, got raked over the coals, ousted at Fox News, but then, she came over to NBC and is stacking cheddar. The media is a money hungry machine. It has no soul. It sold that long ago, when it decided making a buck was more important than Joe Public.

I used to think Rachel Maddow as one of the good ones, but I realize that that’s no different than thinking that about Glenn Beck, or any of these other charlatans posing as journalists. Say what you will about Alex Jones, but at least he’s entertaining and goes for it.

If the news is becoming pro wrestling, then let’s move out of the 70s era wrestling that was “realistic” and move onto the revealing itself for what it is- a song and dance to get your attention and money.