Life in the Pre-Apocalypse

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change periodically releases a report in order to remind everyone that we should be shitting ourselves despite the nice day outside.  A recent report stated that by the year 2036, the average global temperature will cross the 2deg C threshold that is supposed to be the point of no return.

Two degrees? That’s nothing, right? RIGHT?!?!?



It turns out that something like the earth is like a little feverish baby when it comes to temperature change.

Take a look at some of the projected effects of crossing the 2 degree mark before crying our faces off.


Ok, well I’m bored of that, when’s the new iPhone coming out? I totally feel you, bro. Societal collapse and mass extinction brought upon by anthropogenic climate change is a fuckin bummer, man. 

Speaking of dinosaurs, paleontologists just discovered a dinosaur that they’ve named “The Chicken From Hell.” 

This guy was 11 feet long and weighed 500 pounds and was kind of like an ostrich/lizard combo that would probably kick you in the stomach to slash open your bowels and then munch on them with cold soulless eyes. But what do I know, maybe he was a big sweetie!

I do know that dinosaurs were most likely very delicious. Think about it, if chicken comes from dinosaurs and everything tastes like chicken, then dinosaur were scrumptious.

Despite how delicious they were, dinosaurs had their own extinction event that caught them with their pants down, or non-existent. I wonder if there were dinosaur doomsayers, going on and on about the impending asteroid impact. All the conservative dinosaurs were all,

“Just your typical liberal propaganda to try to get more funding for their bleeding heart agenda.” 

“The science does not agree…”

and all that stuff. I’m sure if there were doomsayers, then there were asteroid deniers.

Every generation thinks they are the last. Every generation has that special combination of narcissism and self-loathing that defines the modern, or postmodern, or paleofuture, or whatever the fuck we are calling ourselves now. It comes down to our stupid brains. Some dinosaurs were supposed to have a brain the size of a walnut, so maybe they didn't make such a big deal of themselves as we do.

Humans seem to have been pondering a lot of the same questions since they were able to come up with the words necessary to even say this headache-inducing shit out loud. I think there’s hope in the fact that those humans are long dead and yet, here we still are, pondering the same questions and believing we’re the greatest version of ourselves hurtling toward extinction.